she who hesitates

I just love this fortune that Neel got in his cookie Friday night! How wonderful is that?

Unfortunately, on Saturday, that fortune felt like it was meant for me. Last week I came across an opportunity to take a photography workshop with two women whose work I very much admire. It was a dream-come-true kind of thing, really.

But a lot of money. Especially to spend on something that doesn't generate any real income for our family.

Neel was incredibly supportive, and I had friends and other family who were too. Everyone I told about the workshop said that it was a chance I should reach for with both hands. I could feel myself getting excited, but I wanted to sit with the idea for just a bit. While an incredible deal and an incredible, indescribable opportunity, for our family, it was still a lot of money. I needed to think about it.

On Saturday afternoon, I got word that the workshop sold out. In 36 hours. It was a bitter blow.

I was devastated. She who hesitates is lost.

In some ways, I don't have regrets. I am not a professional photographer, so I can't regret taking some time to think about spending money like that on myself. We are not in a position to shell some major coin on a whim. But I had the support of my husband, both emotional and financial. I had the support of family and friends and the knowledge that I could earn the money for the workshop. The devastating truth is that part of my hesitation, while it had its roots in dollars and cents, was also born of doubt of my own self worth here. Do I deserve to go? Am I good enough to go? So yeah, the biggest part of my hesitation was fear.

I am so not happy about that. I'm not happy about a lot of things right now, but I know that I never want to be in this place again. I never want to miss an opportunity like this because I think I'm not good enough or I don't deserve it. Because I'm afraid to take the leap.

Other chances will come along (although Neel, to his chagrin has learned that that is not what I want to hear just yet!), and we've talked about how important it's become to me to hone this craft of mine. Not just here, but to travel and to mingle with new people and to be out in the world on my own. Next time, I can only hope that when the chance comes along, my arms and heart are open wide to grab it.

In the meantime, there are some exciting changes behind the scenes here at still+life. I'm busy. For the rest of the week, I'll just be posting a photo a day, but my hope is to have us up and running again near Thanksgiving. Either before or after. Depending on how things go. Changes are afoot! I'll be back for reals on Friday with my Five Things. Thanks for stopping by.