five things may 25th edition

In a riff on my normal Friday Feature Five Things I Think I Think, I'm joining Theresa from InspirationCOOPERATIVE and a slew of others discussing Things I Fear, or perhaps more simply, Things About Me. Theresea has linked to the other posts on this topic, and I hope you'll check them out. I know I will.

1. I fear heights. :) I thought I'd start out going easy on myself. Growing up, my dad had "A Fear Of Heights," (Maybe we'll do a five things about my family next! Who's on board?!) but it was not really anything I thought about much. I'm not sure what my first experience was when I knew how uncomfortable I was in high spaces (And I can pretty much handle glass elevators and gorgeous vistas from penthouse hotel rooms! As long as no one leans on the window...), what I remember first is climbing a lighthouse on Cape Henlopen in Delaware with Neel. It was the combination of the sprial staircase (don't like those no matter how high), those funky metal grate steps with no risers and then, the height. Church spire in Munich and most recently another lighthouse in Hatteras, North Carolina. That one, in North Carolina, was my ah-ha moment. That this is a physiological thing. I can talk myself into climbing the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse (it's gorgeous), but people, I can't do. it. At the Hatteras Light, the steps go up in stages, each stage about 10 steps. I made a stage and a half and said to Neel and Callum, "Guys. I'm going down." Neel was great. He asked if I needed him to walk me down, and breezily I said, "Oh no, go on! I'll be fine." I was not fine. After that, I knew. And it's okay. While I waited for Neel and Callum to come back down (and tried not to think of them on that teeny tiny walkway at the top of the light, I chatted with a dad whose entire family was climbing the light without him. Same as me, he wanted his feet on the ground. Same as me, hyperventilating and sweating and rapid heartbeat. But it's okay.

2. I fear I am in a parenting crisis. It's been a hard year. There's not a lot I want or feel I can say about this because I want to respect Cal's privacy and ours as a family, but first off, he's fine, we're fine. Nothing is wrong. So worry not about that. But this year has been hands-down the most intense and challenging that we have faced as a family. The hardest since he was an infant, and let me tell you, (Mark knows just what I'm going to say here...) his infancy nearly killed me. Killed my self-esteem, killed my confidence, killed my sense of identiy. It's not like that now exactly, but since we figured things out together in those early days of his infancy, I've always really trusted myself as a mom. Now, not as much. What I'm trying to trust is that I've always been able to figure out how to parent this child of mine, and that I'll figure this stuff out too. It's been a hard year.

3. All that being said, I fear the loss of parenting. Having just one child was a deliberate decision on our parts, and we have a great vibe as a family. It's what works for us. But as Callum grows in to this wonderful young man that I see him becoming, I grieve the loss of the smaller child that he was. No. That's not right. I don't grieve his growing up as much as the fact that that sort of parenting is done for me. The sort that sat and built Legos for hours, and watched Kipper, and taught him things like "This is an apple." I should also say that I recognize that I have loads and loads of parenting ahead of me. But things are clearly changing. The kind of parenting I'm doing is changing. We all feel it acutely, his growing up, and it brings me great delight. But there's loss too.

4. I fear loneliness. When I was a kid I would go to the mall and hang out at Waldenbooks. (dork alert) One of my favorite books was this big floppy paperback that described people based on their name. The definition for Lauren read: Lauren likes her independence, but she doesn’t want to be on her own. That feels like such an apt descrption for me! I do love alone time. I love being on my own, alone with my thoughts or having the space to just be. Be in my house or in some space on my own. I work on my own, and I'm totally fine with being that way. But I don’t want to be alone. Left out. Not a part of things. There’s a difference. Maybe left out really is more the sense I’m trying to get at. Feeling left out, even if there’s a perfectly reasonable reason for it, makes me edgy and sad. Where did I go wrong? Even if I know it has nothing to do with me. Loneliness is different, I think, than being alone. Is that a song?

5. I fear that I'm not the woman I want to be. I will admit that I have flashes of brilliance, but I don't work as hard at it as I should. I'm not mindful enough, my feelings get hurt too easily, I hold grudges, I can be too judgemental, and I love french fries. I recognize that this old life of mine is a work in progress, but I wonder if I'll ever move beyond those flashes of brilliance into feeling settled and okay with me being me.

Okay. Did it! The hardest part was when my screen went blank, and I thought I'd lost 1-3! All is good though, and thank you (I think!) Theresa, for this amazing, challenging experience. Remember, check out InspirationCOOPERATIVE for more inspiring, thought provoking blog posts.

Happy Weekend, my dears.

Neel's Garden :: Late May {life}

Poor Neel. Do we say that a lot around here or is it just me? Don't feel too bad for him. He loves playing in the dirt.

For some reason I've been working at our desktop in the family room lately rather than my laptop, and said desktop looks right out onto the garden. This means that Neel often gets texts from me during the day that say things like:

I think we should paint the fence charcoal gray.

After we'd painted it forrest green. (As as aside, designers, help me out here, why is green so hard to get right? We have the toughest time with that color.)

Last week, after watching the sun throughout the day, I told him that I thought we needed to move the raised beds for the vegetables from the side of the yard to the back of the yard where they'd get more sun.

Neither spot is ideal, really, but the back part of the yard bakes in the late afternoon, and the side yard is mostly dappled during the day. Fortunately he listens to me. He got started before I could snap any "before" pictures. These are the beds without their beds.

And these are the beds. Back safe, home again. (You'll note that the fence is not yet charcoal gray. I just thought of that this week.)

He moved the beans too. He said that when he had all the plants laid out, he almost forgot which ones were the cucumbers, but one whiff of the roots, which smell distinctly like cucumbers (go figure!) reminded him. It's coming along.

This morning I said, "Rather than going here; I think the grill should go here." He mulled it over awhile and agreed.

Me, being sarcastic: "Aren't you glad I'm staring at the yard all day so I can think of all sorts of changes for you to make?"
Neel, being sweet: "No! I like that you do that. It helps me out a lot." Long Pause.  "Really."

Neel's Garden :: Late May {still}

she had a birthday {life}

So I mentioned that my friend Marianne had a birthday celebration this past weekend. She may deny it, but she's one of my most glamorous friends. We've known each other a long time. Since her youngest and my only were really, really little. Man. We have big kids now. Her oldest is taller than we are. Gah. We have the kind of friendship that moves in and out of the present. We can go ages without seeing each other, or we can be more connected. No matter what, she's a glamorously lipglossed shimmer in my life. I appreciate that so much in a friendship. People get busy and life gets in the way. But the friends who don't hold the busy against you and who can jump right back at it...those people are special.

Lately we've been more connected, and that's meant the world to me. I was thrilled to be included in the weekend's festivities. Fever or no, this dinner with an amazing group of women was not something I was going to miss.

The food and drink were plentiful.

There may have been a party hat. She didn't wear it for long.

I gave Marianne a tube of my new favorite lip care (see, I can do product too!). Our friend, and one of Marianne's business partners April, is checking it out here. I mentioned Fresh's Sugar Advanced Lip Therapy before, and all I'll say is go get yourself some.

It was a great evening. A table full of women, all laughing and talking over top of each other in the best of ways. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in ages and sat across from women I'd never met before. The spirit was celebratory and bright. I forget sometimes, how important nights like this can be. I tend to be more hermit-like than perhaps is necessary. Our family is tight, and in the long dark tunnel that this past winter has been I've tended to hibernate with them rather than reach out. Reaching out and spreading my wings felt so deliciously lovely. I should do it more! Sharing an evening with a group of intelligent funny and glamorous women reminded me of that side of myself, and even though it was Marianne's birthday, I felt like I'd been given a gift. Likely we all had.

Happiest of birthdays dear girl. May all your wildest dreams come true.

she had a birthday {still}